Pass the Butter.

I don’t know what’s been wrong with me for the past month or so- Like I’ve been a different person. That girl is dead. I sat on that bitch. I was all blah and boring and I hate that.
Moving on!
Hillary and I decided to go swimming for the first time this summer and also take her daughter swimming for the first time ever. This entire swimming adventure was quite comical.
Phase One – Preparation
We had to go to Target since Hillary needed a swim suit as did Amelia along with swim diapers. The diapers being the most important due to floaters. Any hoot, Hillary has always been a very small girl. At 5’1” and 100 lbs she was one of those girls that made you want to crack her right the fuck in half. Then she had Amelia. Hillary got fat, not fat in the sense that I’m fat. I’m fat like “where the fuck did my feet go?” She’s fat like “boo-hoo, looks like you can’t fit into your 10 year old cousin’s clothes anymore!” That is, until Sunday. While swim suit shopping she decided to go for the one piece instead of the usual 2 piece. Apparently they don’t carry junior’s one piece suits at Target. Huh?! Stuck with the bikini- we crossed out the small immediately. That might have covered her ass a year ago, but not anymore. We move to the medium, she refuses to try it on because she knows it will fit, I think it might fit- and it’s her fat ass that has to get into it.

Phase Two- Dress Rehearsal
We get back and she gets it on with the help of some sort of miracle, I’m sure. Should have gone for the large. She admits the large would have been a better fit. Big step for Hillary. Hillary has NEVER been a large in. her. Life. When we were 13 she could still were a 12/13… IN CHILDREN’S SIZES! She doesn’t think it’s that bad and I couldn’t care less.

Phase Three- Super Star!
At the pool she proceeds to swim in her tank top. This is new and foreign, Hillary, in more coverage than she has worn in a good 10 months. Wah?! It’s all gravy though... we’re having a good time. Then we get a glimpse of something dark and shiny coming in the pool’s direction. A large muscular gleaming Hispanic man probably late 20’s- early 30’s. Ordinarily would have been great eye candy except for the fact that he had obviously just oiled his chest and arms for the short walk from his apartment to the pool. Loser. Then he plops down in the chair and slathers himself in tanning oil and lights a large cigar. We both know it’s probably a cheap, nasty cigar he puffs on only for the look of it. How would we know this? Probably by the way he did his slim ball glance around the pool at the many women at the pool and when he would make eye contact… puff, puff. Who the fuck is he kidding?!
I then got a reality check when a fatty came to sunbath poolside, cellulite and all. At first I thought “what is this woman doing outside without a burqa on?” Then I thought about it and asked myself what I was doing outside without a burqa on. I then decided to applaud the fatty for her courage and for taking the fat attention of me.
I've paid for these horrible thought, I burned and now look a lot like a lobster, just add butter.